So… Mother’s Day… It’s ‘supposed’ to be the day when the mom is showered with appreciation and she is rescued from the relentless mundane for a few precious hours. She is exempt from doing the myriad things she does on a daily basis…

All. The. Things.

The chores, the meals, the planning, the anticipating, the scheduling, the constantly being aware of all the people, the emotions, the needs, the potential dangers, who has eaten and how much, who needs to poop, when the last diaper was changed, doses of medication or vitamins that need to be dispensed, the state of the clothes that need to be washed or sourced, or stored or gotten out of storage for whatever season is coming up, the running birthday/Christmas list that gets added to whenever someone expresses a new interest or reaches a new stage of development, the recipes or price comparing that needs to be researched (all. the. research…), grocery lists updated, the worrying, the location of every single item in the house that was ever there or might be there… and e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g else.

There ‘should’ be cards and hugs and flowers and the right things said or effort made. For all you do, there should be a friggen parade!

Or not.

Maybe you just want some basic acknowledgment. Maybe the mom should at least feel seen by the family/spouse, if not appreciated, by everyone or anyone else picking up where she left off the day before and just get the stuff done. Something done. Anything. Bueller…?

But it doesn’t happen. And you feel like crap. Turns out “Mother’s Day Disappointment” is a legit thing. Who knew. Well, you did. You do. Acutely. But, you’re still the one expected to do all the things, because no one even realizes exactly what you do, what you sacrifice, how much you give… and how much of yourself and your identity is tied up in being a mom.

Maybe you’re asked what you want, and you’re annoyed because they should probably have some idea or at least be bothered to come up with at least a suggestion. And voila, there are the expectations that you didn’t think you had (or tried not to have) and the dissonance that inevitably follows.

But, maybe by now maybe you’ve given up hoping that they’d have a clue or put in even a fraction of the mental and emotional work you do, and instead you just outright tell them that don’t want to have to make any decisions. Just one day off of the mental and emotional exhaustion of constantly deciding. Decision Fatigue is also a legit thing! But even that doesn’t work out. They have no idea, no concept, of the number of decisions you make every day! You still end up figuring out the daily necessities… and somehow everything you do (and apparently, everything you are) just doesn’t matter to the people you feel like you’ve given yourself up for.

Well, that just plain sucks, and none of it is fair. It’s not fair to you that you’re taken for granted. It’s also not fair to your family that they are expected to validate your identity. Yes, some acknowledgment would certainly be nice and appropriate (especially from your spouse/partner who is mature enough to be able to see all the things that you do- they don’t happen by magic, and they’re certainly not doing them, soooo… duh!), but your identity is not their responsibility. Aaaaaaaand maybe your expectations have more to do with the friggen commercials and social media posts that are completely unrealistic… your getting sucked into this spiral of comparison and expectation is also not their fault, so maybe check yourself there….

Instead, perhaps Mother’s day can be a day when you put yourself first (or at least in the friggen top five!). It’d certainly be nice to get the acknowledgment from your family, but you can’t control that and no matter how much we try, we end up expecting more than what they give (because, as all you awesome mom’s know, we do so much more than they realize- they may some day realize it, but don’t hold your breath on when that’ll happen).

So, what’s a mom to do?

1. Maybe Mother’s Day can simply be a day where you can change your expectations of yourself. Push the expectations aside, and nurture your identity apart from being a caregiver of others. Give yourself permission to not clean, to not anticipate, to not juggle (and, importantly, not to care about the potential state of disarray that will be tomorrow). Yes, while the immediate needs can’t take a day off (meals, diapers), you can delegate more, settle for the less healthy take out options or freezer meals to give yourself a break, or maybe even make yourself scarce and finally get some alone time and let the spouse/partner figure out the rest at home! Perhaps leave them a list of things to do, and not worry about it (or what and how much of that list actually gets done).

2. Maybe Mother’s Day can be a day where mothers celebrate eachother, because no one knows what kind of work and sacrifice you do more than another mother. Have a day when you don’t focus on your own family, and go out with your mom friends or your own mother and take a walk, have a meal, get massages, go to the movies, whatever you want.

3. Or alternatively, sit your spouse/partner down and spell it out for them- what you want, what you expect. Be specific. Yes, those that are lazy or selfish need to pull their head out of their asses in general, not just one this one day, but they also can’t read your mind no matter how obvious you think your preferences are. Do you want a day with your family spending time together? Tell them that. You don’t need to spend a fortune either- go for a walk, a drive, play a board game or a game of cards. If them doing the meal prep isn’t in the cards, lay out the menu to your favorite take out place and tell them what you want, or be content with everyone eating cold cereal or simply fending for themselves all day. Do it well in advance of Mother’s day so you have a chance of presenting your case with some objectivity and without losing control of your emotions- that just puts people on the defensive and nothing good comes from that. Maybe Mother’s Day can be a day where moms practice setting boundaries for themselves, a practice that we’re socialized to think is incompatible with being a good mom. F-that, ladies.

4. Maintain some perspective- You are so lucky to have a family and that you get to work on those relationships every day (there are moms who have lost their kids or couldn’t have kids), but you are still worthy of celebrating. Take the day to look around and soak up the awesomeness of all that you have helped to create, and bask in your glory! You are seen by God/the Universe/Source, and your efforts and sacrifice are appreciated. The mothering you do (or did if you’ve heartbreakingly lost your child(ren) is valuable and important and that positive energy still reverberates around the world. The work you are doing/have done has a larger purpose, even if those you’re working for don’t recognize that properly on Mother’s Day. Feel it and know it in your heart.

Yes, in an ideal world they would have made a plan for the day, been prepared for the contingencies, put in even a modicum of effort and made you feel seen and appreciated… but when you start expecting the ideal (or even anything close to it), you’re setting yourself up for some major dissonance people! You’re tired and have no energy to waste on Mother’s Day Disappointment. The ‘ideal’ is just one version of what could happen. You’re a mom. You don’t sit back and wait for things, you make them happen.

So, while the total lack of acknowledgment and appreciation that is so common on Mother’s Day may be a sign of a larger problem (maybe a few sessions of counseling is in order for the marriage, maybe a sense of entitlement has snuck into your household and a slight redirect for the kids is in order…) be the boss you are and make Mother’s Day about you. Wake up that morning and announce to yourself and the world, you’re a mom and you’re friggen awesome! You are worthy. You are important. Your worth and importance is not linked to the outward actions of appreciation from others. You are not defined by the thoughtfulness of others in your life. Their inaction and thoughtlessness is about them, not about you and you don’t need to pay the emotional price with bitterness and resentment.

And FFS stay off of social media! Don’t fall into the comparison trap of seeing other moms posting about their flowers and chocolates and acknowledgment… that might be the one year their family didn’t majorly drop the ball, you don’t know. Give yourself the much deserved pat on the back for all you do, and today, don’t expect so much from yourself. Take a deep breath. The world can take care of itself for once. You take care of you for a change. The rest will be there tomorrow.

Special note to the dads/partners: the mothers in your life deserve to be acknowledged in a special way on this day, so make it happen. It is your responsibility to teach the children how to love and honor their mother. No, she is not your mother, and that is honestly the lamest excuse I’ve ever heard and not a funny joke. You reap the benefit of her mothering YOUR children. She is NOT being selfish or childish for wanting to be seen, recognized and acknowledged. I’m sure you like to be acknowledged and appreciated, so extend the same respect and gratitude to the moms in your life. Get off the damn couch, put your cell phone down, don’t schedule your fishing trip or other activity for that weekend and put her first. Come up with some suggestions about what she might like- even that effort will be appreciated. Listen to her when she tells you what she wants, and for ffs, follow through. Women are taught to put themselves last at all times, in all things. It is your responsibility to help make her feel not taken for granted on this day. Yes, it may be tricky to acknowledge both your own mother and the mother of your children, but rise to the occasion. Figure it out. You will find that tending to other people’s needs, cleaning, planning and getting shit done is tiring- suck it up and push through. Welcome to her world for one day! If money for a big to-do is not in the budget, get creative and figure out how to honor her without spending money you don’t have. It can be done! Forethought. For the sake of your marriage, for the sake of her sanity, and for the sake of educating your children on how not to be entitled, selfish brats. This is on you, dads.

A dad’s guide to Mother’s Day:

TL;DR Mother’s do an insane amount for your family and deserve a day of acknowledgment.

1. She doesn’t want to make decisions- see what needs to be done that day and plan ahead.

2. She may appreciate some token of appreciation. This will differ depending on what the mom is like- perfume, jewelry, chocolate, flowers, a meal, a massage or a card are pretty low hanging fruit here. Maybe she’d like some time away by herself or with a friend. Make it happen, and make sure she doesn’t have more work to do when she gets back.

3. Low cost options…Maybe she’d rather a homemade card, a massage from you, a clean house (including the bathrooms and kitchen floor!)- none of which really cost much/anything. Maybe she’d like to go for a walk/hike, a family game afternoon, time spent in the backyard hanging out, again, all free.

You can do it!!